Comedian Mitch Hedberg dead at age 37.
A damn shame.
I cribbed some of his funnier stuff from here:
And my favorite, found on this website.
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill...
2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough"
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. It was fucking relentless.
I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Because of [dropping] Acid, I know now that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
"I was at a bar and no one was talking to me, because I had just done a show."P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
This guy bumps into me and says "move", then I say, "go to hell!", then I ran.
And he chased after me. And I notice that he's got a moustache, a goatee, a couple of earings, tattoos, his hair pulled back in a pony tail, and he's wearing a hat.
Then he says to me,"You got a lot of nerve!", then I say, "You've got a lot of cranium accessories."